Steven Wright

"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five."

"A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said 'Wish you were here.'"

"Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home."

"I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out."

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."

"I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'"

"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"

"I was reading the dictionary the other day. I thought it was a poem about everything."

"I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it."

"If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something."

"There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot."

"We had a quicksand box in our backyard. I was an only child, eventually."

"When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?"

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."

"Yeah, it's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it!"

"I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying."

"It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's *always* room temperature."

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.